Chinese Cabs

We've passed the 72 hour mark on our sojourn in this Eastern City and have had the pleasure (?) of having ridden with at least 10 different taxi drivers. Chinese taxi drivers are the greatest evangelists in the world--they scare the hell out of you. Seriously, if one wasn't a god-fearing individual prior to entry into the cab, he would be by the time he departs. (Speaking of departing--a Chinese taxi just might be the place from which I depart this world.)

Today I called a taxi company to inquire how one becomes a driver. It did not come as a surprise to me that they contact the local suicide hot line for prospects. Unless a driver is a bit suicidal, he/she doesn't have a chance of getting hired. The more depressed and hopeless they are, the better their chance of employment. (Would you believe the average life expectancy of a Chinese cab driver is only 35 seconds? You wouldn't? Okay, its actually 43 seconds.)

To hail a cab here one steps dangerously close to the street, somehow managing to keep both feet on the sidewalk while levitating at a 45 degree angle. Face the oncoming traffic and elevate the right arm, extending the arm at the same angle as the body, palm down, fingers fixed together, then wave said fingers, keeping the thumb attached to the palm. This won't actually get you a cab but they will give you style points which can be redeemed for valuable prizes should you survive your ride. Once a cab recognizes you and pulls toward you (bear in mind, it doesn't matter which direction the cab was traveling, if they decide to provide you a ride, they'll make a "Ueee" regardless of what's coming--remember the suicide hot line connection from earlier? Apply here!), make sure you "claim" the cab. Chinese little ladies can come from no where and jump into the taxi while you're detaching your formerly firmly-planted-feet from the curb.

Upon entering your newly acquired taxi, check the picture on the license with the actual driver. If they don't match, know the driver pictured on the license has: 1) taken the day off (not likely); 2) come down with the swine flu and allowed his semi-comatose cousin to fill in; 3) had a face lift; 4) entered the witness protection program; 5) actually committed suicide. At this point you have the choice of continuing with the ride (recommended) or bailing from a moving vehicle (not recommended).

It's highly recommended that you spend the remainder of your ride with "every head bowed and every eye closed." Pray as if your life depends on it--BECAUSE IT DOES! (I'm writing this while riding in a taxi--I've got to pray. If I survive the ride, I'll blog more later.)